My foot: The Saga Continues

by Brian

So, I guess I probably should update this thing every now and then. It’s been a full year since I last wrote, and a whole lot has happened since then. Unfortunately, not much has changed.

A quick recap: I went through a third round of surgery about a year ago, in an attempt to repair what Dr. Edward Scissorhands, the second surgeon, did to my foot. For one reason or another, this guy thought it was prudent to cut several notches in my achilles – even though I have never had an achilles injury – in order to lengthen it. Now, that procedure is usually done to aid in mobility of the foot if things are a bit too tight. The only problem is…my foot wasn’t too tight. I had great range of motion, the achilles was very healthy, with only my lateral ligaments needing work. Unfortunately, I was never prepped about this procedure, I had no idea it was going to happen. Sure enough, after a terrible casting job, part of the achilles popped, creating a 50% tear. I didn’t know it at the time, as it was another 4 weeks until the cast came off. But, I knew something was wrong when I tried walking in the boot and I couldn’t push off on my forefoot. Now, it didn’t hurt, per say – it just didn’t work. Concerned, I contacted Doc S-Hands, and after waiting for a few hours in the office, he finally popped in.

S-Hands, after taking the boot off and looking at a series of dotted scars on the back of my lower leg, said,”Did we do a lengthening?”

Um…what? Pretty sure I was not huffing glue at the time, and that I heard him correctly.

“Well, I was not awake when you were cutting my foot open, so you tell me.”

“Yep, looks like we did. OK, let’s see what it looks like with the ultrasound…I was the lead on this technology at Duke.”

Anger level: Apoplectic

What I wanted to say was, “Cool, I really couldn’t give a whole bunch of shits about your machine. You are also wearing a skull and bones bowtie and clogs and went out in public thinking that was a good look. So, shhhhhhhh, and tell me why I can’t walk, please.”

What I did say was, “What? You cut my achilles? Wait. So…wait… Why?”

I was super pissed, he knew it, but really didn’t seem all that concerned about a) me being upset and b) the state of my foot. He broke out what looked like a Mac 165 OG laptop from 1994 with a wand and lubed up my achilles. After a few minutes of mashing buttons and looking at what seemed like a bad Google Maps picture of the Atlantic Ocean, he pointed to a white streak with a big black sliver and said, “Oh, yeah, that’s a tear, looks about 50% through.”

‘scuse me?

I really didn’t know what to say at the time, as I guess I was a too stunned to react. After a bit more looking at the blob on the screen, I asked him what all of this meant. Again, with all the care of cleaning a fork, he told me that two things could happen. One, my achilles would be fine in the boot, I would just have to be in it a little bit longer and the tear will heal on it’s own. Or two, it could tear completely and that’s no problem, as they can just go in an fix it.

Yep. Just a no big deal, we can fix it attitude from a guy in a skull and bones/clogs combo. No worrrrrrries, Brian, you can just have major surgery again to fix the huge mistake I made on a ligament that was not injured in the first place. You know, the one that is kind of needed for stuff like walking, running, going up steps, playing soccer, dunking on unsuspecting fools, shredding dance floors, spin-kicking dudes wearing pirate bowties who ruin a perfectly good foot, etc.

I left the office in a bit of a state, and immediately called my father, who is a retired physician and known to go HAM on docs that are anything other than professional and competent. Sure enough, he told me to schedule a follow-up appointment so that we could have a nice little group chat.

And/or a coming to Baby Jesus sesh.

Fast forward to the next appointment and homie was over an hour late again, which is a pet peeve of my father’s, so the mood was fun and relaxed.


I deferred to the two people speaking in medical terms that might as well have been Vietnamese. If it were up to me, or the hollywood side of my brain, I would have preferred a Jack Nicholson vs Tom Cruise scene from A Few Good Men. Alas, mature people were in the room and hashed out next steps. Unfortunately, Dr. Bow Tie McScissor Clogs didn’t really have any answers. He knew there was a tear and he knew there was a huge bone spur on the calcaneus (during the osteotomy, he cut the bone too high, so when it bled and was healing, it formed a big spur) that was jamming into my achilles causing extra issues.

So, you know, party.

His advice was for us to go and read a scientific paper he just printed out about some shit dealing with jacked up feet and then decide what we wanted to do. Funny, I’m fairly certain that’s what my co-pay was for, to see a doctor who should know a bit more than me about what I should do next.

With that, we left, research paper firmly in the garbage on the way out, never to return again.

Stay tuned for the third surgery details and why my new surgeon is 💯